The Realtor Species

Over the years, I have been monitoring and documenting the types of Realtors I have come across in this business.  While I am sure there are some other undocumented species of Realtor, these are the ones I see most frequently in metro Chicago.  If you are aware of any others, please let me know as I am interested in learning more about them.

Old Betty: This species of Realtor can usually be found in suburban environments but is occasionally spotted in large inner cities with wealthy older buyers. Old Betty’s are immediately recognized by their Cadillac El Dorado, big hair, and blue eye shadow.   Business cards usually have a washed out glamour shot from the 80′s. Old Betty’s are usually heard saying things like “I have been in this business for 35 years and I have never heard of…”

The Super Producer: A rare species of Realtor and often rumored to close in excess of $40 million per year. Super Producers are rarely seen in person except in advertisements in luxury home magazines. Approaching the Super Producer takes care as they often send out an army of assistants to protect them from assault and they can be very uptight.  Many species of Realtors are often seen imitating the Super Producer.  Super Producers can be fierce in the wild and scientist have concluded that the world does in fact revolve around them.  The Super Producer’s call is “I don’t have time for this!”  Transportation of choice is usually an S Class Mercedes or Range Rover.

The Trixie: Usually found in big city environments, Trixies are always young attractive females. What they lack in innate intelligence is often overcome by sheer beauty. Trixies can often be found at open houses on Sundays and usually join the armies of Top Producers. Trixies are always dressed in mini skirts, designer labels, and carry hard to find and extremely expensive leather purses. However, scientist have not figured out how they support themselves as they are rarely seen at closings and most often at gyms such as the East Bank Club. It is suspected that Trixies are able to secrete a pheromone that causes young male mortgage loan officers to throw money at them.  Trixies usually reside in Lincoln Park with other Trixie roommates.  Preferred transportation is BMW 3 series or Jetta.  Trixies can often be overhead saying “Oh my God!” in their cell phones at Starbucks.

The Metro Male:  Seen all over big cities, the Metro Male is one of the few species of mammals where the male is prettier than the female.  The Metro Male is often camouflaged in Gucci or Prada.  They are also often hairless.  Major drama often follows this Realtor who can often be heard saying words like “Fabulous” or ”Gorgeous”.  Transportation of choice is a convertible or any car that screams “Luxurious”.  The metro male can be found in very high concentrations in inner city Chicago neighborhoods like Lakeview and Roscoe Village.

The Part Timer: An odd creature and highly adaptable, the part-timer can be seen in nearly every real estate geography. Part-timers are characterized by their ability to sell anything such as Amway, Herbalife, life insurance, and Tahiti Noni Juice or other multi-level marketing products. Scientist have not been able to figure out how this creature has evolved but suspect they operate similar to 17 year cicadas and come out only during real estate booms. Part timers are easily identifiable by their cars which usually have magnetized decals such as “I Sell Homes! Call 1-800-Sel Quik.”  Part timers can often be heard saying things like “Umm, I don’t know…”  Scientist believe part timers come from other industries and can usually be captured by holding seminars proclaiming that it is easy to make $10,000 per month working part-time from your own home.

The Newbie: Barely a hatchling, this Realtor is new to the world.  All Realtors start off as Newbies and sooner or later evolve into the other classifications.  Newbies can often be found guarding the real estate office on weekend in a ritual known as desk duty or they may take over duties of the Super Producer to host an open house.  Real estate is a cruel world and most newbies die after one year of no closings after giving their life blood to their broker/owners.

The Advertiser: One of the most mysterious Realtors, the Advertiser can be seen all over town on bus benches and shopping carts.  However, there is no record of one being seen at a closing.  Scientist suspect the Advertiser evolved from the Part Timer, but since one has not been captured in the wild, it only remains a theory.

The Cross Dresser:  This species is a hybrid of the Old Betty, Part Timer, and Newbie.  They have been around for a long time, rarely fully focused on real estate, and still doesn’t know squat about the business.  Scientist are still trying to acertain how they are able to stay in business since they rarely ever have closings, but they always know everyone in the business and have worked at every brokerage in town.  Scientist believe this Realtor is purposely kept alive by the industry for desk and license renewal fees.  Other Realtors can often be heard whispering among themselves for the Cross Dresser to “just give it up already…”  Others have to be careful around the Cross Dresser as it is easy to get sucked into an hour long conversation on Paris Hilton or the Iraq war.

The Professional: A highly sought after Realtor, professionals are hard to find.  It is estimate that less than 10% of Realtors are true professionals. Professionals tend to work extremely hard for their clients and take their jobs and industry very seriously.  Scientist are still trying to deduce the mathematical formula that allows the the professional Realtor to get their home sellers the highest price for a home and their buyers the lowest price.  As it stands right now, it is one of natures unsolved mysteries.  Professional Realtors also secret a phermone called repeat referrals which causes their clients to tell their friends and co-workers about the wonderful service provided by the Professional Realtor.

The Discounter:  A newly evolved species, the Discounter often piggybacks off the work of the Professional.  With overly simplex digestion system, discounters attempt to survive by working for peanuts.  Discounters also employ a creative bait & switch tactic that convinces their clients they are getting something for nothing.  This hunting method is one of the most advanced in the real estate world, but clients often catch on after a number of tries and the discounter usually suffers a slow death when actual work has to be performed.  Ironically, it is the Professional who often picks up the scraps of the Discounter.   Like the Part Timer, Discounters tend to flourish during real estate booms.

The Transformer:  A close cousin of the Part Timer, the Transformer has an uncanny ability to transform from Realtor to Attorney to Loan Officer.  While they are usually a jack of all trades, they are also a master of nothing.  Transformers choose which ever is paying the bills that month.

Stay tuned, mortgage brokers are next…